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Familymoons |
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Greetings:
Re:
Familymoons Thank you for contacting the Stepfamily
Foundation of Alberta in regards to your questions
on “familymoons”.
We are pleased to respond to your request and will do so on both
conceptual and practical levels. You have our permission to use the information
presented below providing: a) that you reference our web site, www.stepfamily.ca,
and b) acknowledge that we remain at liberty to publish this information
elsewhere. We trust you will find this reasonable. First, with
regards to the limits of our expertise, at the Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta
we work almost exclusively with people who are “reconfiguring” into, or
currently living as a stepfamily. None of the couples that we are aware of have
taken their kids “in tow” on their honeymoon. In fact, a good number of the
women living in stepfamily settings report feeling resentful because they
were unable to have a honeymoon due to their responsibilities
towards the children. (This is especially true for women who do not
have a biological child of their own when they form the stepfamily.) The men in
these circumstances may also be resentful, but they tend not vocalize it if they
are. We, at the
Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta, regard a honeymoon as a ritual, and believe
its central purpose is to strengthen the “couple bond”—not to create
family cohesion. Rituals persist across time because of the profound meaning
they hold for, and convey to us as human beings. [See, for example, the writings
of Joseph Campbell.] We tend not to benefit from abandoning our rituals.
For example, to a considerable degree, we have abandoned the ritual of marriage.
The statistics surrounding this are clear: couples that live together without
getting married (or who live together prior to becoming married) are much more
likely to experience a permanent breakdown in their relationship than is true
for couples that marry before cohabitating. With some notable exceptions, family
breakdown is a lot like cigarette smoking--little good comes from it. Regarding
honeymoons, most people asked will acknowledge that a honeymoon has a special
and a positive meaning for a newly wed couple. If pressed to detail what this
meaning is, they will state something like: “It marks the real beginning of
the couple’s journey through life together.” The predictability of responses
like this have us convinced that the honeymoon ritual simply ought to be
preserved. It is widely
recognized that “hierarchy” problems tend to occur in stepfamilies. In
stepfamilies experiencing hierarchy problems, it can be much less than clear who
truly holds authority and is genuinely is “in charge”. Not surprisingly,
when hierarchy problems are present, chaos tends to prevail. It is our view that
children’s attending their parents’ honeymoon blurs an important adult-child
boundary (that Jeannette Lofas refers to as the “blood-sex boundary”). As
such, we believe that, in the bigger picture, a familymoon is more likely to
generate chaos and confusion than contribute positively to a family’s
cohesion.
When relative
strangers are thrown together in an intensely personal situation (such as
sharing a hotel room), they are almost certain to feel awkward; and most are
unlikely to enjoy the experience. When children are feeling awkward and not
enjoying themselves, they misbehave. Disciplining the children is typically the
NUMBER ONE problem stepfamily couples report. Misbehaving children are
likely to "polarize" the two "mini-bio families" on a
familymoon, creating a conflictual rather than a welcoming experience. Conflicts
occurring during a ritual tend to be
All things
considered, we suspect that the odds of a familymoon turning out to be a
blissful, family-bonding experience are substantially less than one in a
thousand. Accordingly, if a couple were to ask us for our opinion on a "familymoon",
our reply would be as follows: 1. First, on
your own, spend some time considering
why you would entertain such an option. If you determine that guilt, fear,
self-sacrifice, or abandonment issues are motivating factors, you would be well
advised to reconsider having a familymoon. Parenting that is driven by these
factors does not produce healthy kids.
If
your intention is to create a sense of belonging in the children, it is
important to understand that we acquire a sense of belonging from the investment
we make in something’s care. For example, my neighbours know that I belong at
my house because they see that I am the one who cuts the lawn. Likewise, kids
who have chores to perform around the house will know that they belong BECAUSE
they have chores to perform (in the service of caring for their home). How does
this notion apply to kids on a familymoon?
If
you are having trouble finding the “link” between belonging and a familymoon,
try the following: Picture yourself having been away on a vacation, at the
residence of a very considerate host who refuses to allow you to wash the
dishes, take out the garbage, make your bed, or perform any other menial tasks
during your stay. Despite receiving this “royal treatment”, after a period
of about three weeks, all you want to do is to go home. Why? Because you don’t
belong. Think about that. How is a familymoon any different? 2. Next,
imagine having attended your parents' honeymoon when you were
say five, ten and 15 years of age. Had you done so, what activities would you
have enjoyed doing together with the two of them? What activities would you have
wanted to do with them, one-on-one? What activities do you think they would have
preferred to do with you rather than their new spouse? Finally, let’s say that
you began to become impatient with your parents, or began to feel that they
really didn’t want to have you around during the honeymoon. How, at each of
the age levels listed above, would you have reacted in these circumstances? Do
you expect that your kids would act/react differently? 3. Then, as
a practical preview to the familymoon, pick several outings (e.g., a
movie, a nice romantic meal, etc.) where all of the kids are obliged to
attend with you and your partner. Surreptitiously review everyone's level of
happiness (including your partner’s and your own) before, during after
each of these events. 4. After
completing the exercises above, thoroughly discuss the topic and your findings
with your partner. If, after this, you both remain enthusiastic about
having a familymoon instead of a honeymoon, proceed to point 5, below. 5. Spend some
time, as a couple, detailing the minimum outcomes each of you would have to
experience on the familymoon to be able to judge the event a success. Assess
your individual and joint abilities to make these necessary outcomes become
realities.
6. Then, have
the same discussion (regarding necessary outcomes) with the kids. Again, assess
your individual and joint abilities to make these necessary outcomes into
realities. 7. Develop a
plan of action to follow if the kids should: become bored, start
misbehaving, fall ill, get injured or become homesick. 8. Finally, and
most importantly, figure out a way (e.g., taking along a nanny) to carve out
some private couple time to create a few romantic memories together. Regards,
The information contained on this page is for the personal use of stepfamily members visiting this web site. All other use, reproduction, distribution or storage of this work, in whole or in part, by any and all means, without the express written permission of the author, is strictly prohibited.
Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta
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