Misguided vs. Effective Stepparenting

Stepfamily Association of America - Pittsburgh Chapter

 

The contrast between a misguided and an effective approach to stepparenting provides a key to success in the stepfamily. Clearly, the effective stepparent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviours to build toward positive relationships.

The Misguided Stepparent

  • Tries to replace the absent parent.

  • Feels insecure about stepparent role.              

  • Wants to own children and their affections.   

  • Attempts to cut ties with non-custodial parent.

  • Assumes children cannot love several adults.

  • Creates loyalty conflicts for children.

  • Demands love and acceptance.                     

  • Expects to care about stepchildren immediately.

  • Expects children to express affection right away.

  • Feels guilty when children express affection they don't really feel.

  • Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same.

  • Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings.

  • Feels guilty for loving own children "more".

  • Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings.

  • Manages everyone else's relationships.      

  • Takes on problems of all family members as own.

  • Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents.

  • Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another.

  • Insists on being included in all activities.

  • Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together.

  • Assumes peacemaker role.

  • Fears another family loss.               

  • Believes difficulties imply failure.

  • Denies problems exist.

  • Shuts out negative emotions.

  • Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash.

  • Strives to be perfect and thus to counteract the "wicked stepparent" myth.

  • Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure.

  • Avoids mistakes at all costs.

  • Suppresses negative emotions.

  • Refuses to state any opinions that might create conflict.

  • Feels sorry for children of loss.

  • Tries to make up for children's parental loss.

  • Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal.

  • Insists on family unity.

  • Indulges, pampers and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities.

  • Views goals of happiness and harmony "at all costs". Uses family "togetherness" to show outsiders "how great we are doing".

  • Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members.

  • Diverts family members from preferred activities.

 

The Effective Stepparent

  • Recognizes importance of non-custodial parent.

  • Respects children's need and right to love that parent.

  • Helps stepchildren nurture relationship with non-custodial parent by encouraging them to write, phone, or visit.

  • Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict.

  • Invites the bioparent to important milestone ceremonies and events.

  • Strives to be an added parent figure and friend, rather than substitute parent.

  • Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and his/her children.

  • Realizes it's natural to feel closer to one's biological children.

  • Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention.             

  • Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone.             

  • Allows time for relationships to develop.                       

  • Focuses on process of developing as a family unit.                      

  • Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth.    

  • Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress.                     

  • Respects and accepts others as new family forms.                       

  • Manages own relationships with each child.                          

  • Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited.   

  • Encourages family members to care for their own needs and relationships.    

  • Understands family life cannot always be happy.                

  • Accepts that problems exist.        

  • Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills.

  • Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant.             

  • Possesses the courage to be imperfect.

  • Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies.

  • Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image.     

  • Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them, and trying again.              

  • Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human.

  • Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience.             

  • Encourages children to face the reality of the death or the divorce that preceded the emergence of the stepfamily.                

  • Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss.                   

  • Helps kids confront and express the feelings that grief elicits.        

  • Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future.

  • Lets go.                       

  • Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss.    

  • Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing the stability of the stepfamily is threatened.

  • Plans family activities without forcing participation.               

  • Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse.