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The contrast between a misguided and an effective approach to stepparenting provides a key to success in the stepfamily. Clearly, the effective stepparent works with accurate information and chooses specific behaviours to build toward positive relationships.

The Misguided Stepparent

• Tries to replace the absent parent.

• Feels insecure about stepparent role.              

• Wants to own children and their affections.   

• Attempts to cut ties with non-custodial parent.

• Assumes children cannot love several adults.

• Creates loyalty conflicts for children.

• Demands love and acceptance.                     

• Expects to care about stepchildren immediately.

• Expects children to express affection right away.

• Feels guilty when children express affection they don't really feel.

• Insists feelings for stepchildren and biological children are the same.

• Tries to deny rather than accept differences in feelings.

• Feels guilty for loving own children "more".

• Overcompensates with stepchildren by giving gifts, spending extra time, expressing phony feelings.

• Manages everyone else's relationships.      

• Takes on problems of all family members as own.

• Interferes in communication efforts of siblings, kids, biological parents.

• Keeps family members from forming direct relationships with one another.

• Insists on being included in all activities.

• Deprives parents and children of needed private time and space together.

• Assumes peacemaker role.

• Fears another family loss.               

• Believes difficulties imply failure.

• Denies problems exist.

• Shuts out negative emotions.

• Reacts defensively when stated feelings and real feelings clash.

• Strives to be perfect and thus to counteract the "wicked stepparent" myth.

• Allows no imperfection in self as parent figure.

• Avoids mistakes at all costs.

• Suppresses negative emotions.

• Refuses to state any opinions that might create conflict.

• Feels sorry for children of loss.

• Tries to make up for children's parental loss.

• Pities children and delays grieving process necessary to heal.

• Insists on family unity.

• Indulges, pampers and therefore prevents stepchildren from learning to understand life as it really is with its pain and adversities.

• Views goals of happiness and harmony "at all costs". Uses family "togetherness" to show outsiders "how great we are doing".

• Dictates activities and denies free choices among family members.

• Diverts family members from preferred activities.

 

The Effective Stepparent

• Recognizes importance of non-custodial parent.

• Respects children's need and right to love that parent.

• Helps stepchildren nurture relationship with non-custodial parent by encouraging them to write, phone, or visit.

• Allows pictures and mementos of biological parent without creating conflict.

• Invites the bioparent to important milestone ceremonies and events.

• Strives to be an added parent figure and friend, rather than substitute parent.

• Acknowledges existing bond between new spouse and his/her children.

• Realizes it's natural to feel closer to one's biological children.

• Reduces jealousy and competition for time and attention.             

• Controls resentment when child and parent need time alone.             

• Allows time for relationships to develop.                       

• Focuses on process of developing as a family unit.                      

• Values each small success as evidence of relationship growth.    

• Minimizes worrying or trying to force progress.                     

• Respects and accepts others as new family forms.                       

• Manages own relationships with each child.                          

• Avoids interfering in other people's problems unless invited.   

• Encourages family members to care for their own needs and relationships.    

• Understands family life cannot always be happy.                

• Accepts that problems exist.        

• Understands that unhappy experiences teach children coping skills.

• Allows full expression of emotions whether negative or positive, pleasant or unpleasant.             

• Possesses the courage to be imperfect.

• Rejects fairy-tale myths and unrealistic media portrayals of stepfamilies.

• Understands every mistake does not reflect cruel-stepparent image.     

• Realizes the way people learn is by making mistakes, thinking about them, and trying again.              

• Shares own mistakes to give children permission to be imperfect and human.

• Accepts grief and loss as part of life's experience.             

• Encourages children to face the reality of the death or the divorce that preceded the emergence of the stepfamily.                

• Feels empathy, not sympathy, with children of loss.                   

• Helps kids confront and express the feelings that grief elicits.        

• Provides strength and encouragement so children can move in to the future.

• Lets go.                       

• Permits children to belong to two families with a minimum of fuss.    

• Allows children to spend time with peers, activities and other parent without fearing the stability of the stepfamily is threatened.

• Plans family activities without forcing participation.               

• Uses time away from children to enhance relationship with spouse.