Question: 

How can I tell if the problems we are having are a product of stepfamily dynamics or something else?

Answer:

Stepfamily dynamics tend to produce predictable difficulties in stepfamilies. Many of these difficulties are simply not seen in a biological family. Others are seen much less frequently in a biological family. However, stepfamilies can also have problems that have little or nothing to do with stepfamily dynamics.

Following is a sample of problems that are likely to appear in a stepfamily, but not in a biological family. 

Conflict:

• Conflict with a prior spouse (usually "his" prior spouse)

• Conflict regarding the discipline of each other's kids

• The biological parent acts like a "mama bear" when the stepparent tries to discipline her kids

• Kids are disrespectful /disobedient/impolite towards the stepparent

• Stepsibling conflict

Confusion:

• Unclear about your role and what you have to do to be successful in it

• Unsettled issues regarding names, titles, etc. (e.g., how to address the stepparent)

• Differences of opinions regarding who does/doesn't belong in the family

• It seems like two different families are living in the same house

• Couple appears to have few or no problems when the kids are not around

Chaos:

• Prior spouse frequently disrupts your schedule and plans for your stepfamily--often at the last minute

• "Disneyland" parenting -- the absence of a viable structure and workable rules for part-time kids

• Recurrent confusion and moodiness at the start and end of each "visit"

Overwhelming Feelings:

• Feeling like an "outsider"

• Feeling unacknowledged and unappreciated for all the things you do for your stepchildren

• Feeling jealous of your partner's child(ren)

• Feeling responsible for kids over whom you have no authority

• Feeling caught in the middle between your kids and your new partner

• Feeling your partner is profoundly unfair towards your kids

• Feeling that you are failing again--so it must be your fault

The more concerns such as these are present in your stepfamily, the more helpful a course such as Building Stepfamilies That Work is likely to be for you and your stepfamily.

I hope that helps.

Regards,

All rights reserved. The reproduction, use, distribution or storage or of this work, in whole or in part, by any and all means, without the express written permission of the author, is strictly prohibited.

Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta