Q & A: He says he's attracted to another woman
Question: What should I do?
My husband and I are really struggling with an issue right now where he finds himself attracted to a female coworker (much younger than he is -13 years), to the point where if we were not together and she were not in her own relationship, he would pursue a relationship with her. He has told me he is not going to leave our marriage, and that he is committed to us, but he is not willing to give his friendship with her up for our marriage. He just admitted this whole thing to me on Friday, so the wounds are still pretty fresh.
I really want to trust him and believe in the fact that heís telling me nothing more is going to happen with this person, because they both know where the other stands with neither one of them wanting to leave their current relationships. And when asked how she makes him feel, he said she makes him feel young again. Sheís outgoing (whereas he thinks I'm not), and sheís happy (he thinks I'm negative all the time), and she smiles (he thinks I donít smile enough), and they share common interests, and on and on. I really think he is going through a mid life crisis of some kind, and all of this is coming to a head. While I appreciate his honesty, this is not something that I ever would have thought would come out of his mouth. The security I felt in our marriage and in the trust I had for him has been shattered, and I am scared to death that if he maintains contact with her, even briefly through work, he is not going to be able to turn the focus of those feelings towards her back to our marriage.
His entire attitude has changed and honestly, I donít recognize him anymore. He isnít the man I married.
I really need some help in dealing with all of this and I'm not quite sure where to turn.
We are so sorry to hear you are
having this difficulty.
1. Your husband did absolutely
the right thing by telling you about the situation.
2. It is your job AS A COUPLE to
work to get your relationship out of harm's way.
3. Get duplicate copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire (ENQ) and the Love Busters Questionnaire (LBQ). They are available for free from MarriageBuilders.com
4. You should both complete both
of these questionnaires to find out which of your relationship needs are not
currently being met in your relationship. [Note: It is likely that both of you
will have needs that are not currently being met.]
5. Once you have identified each
other's unmet needs, determine what is necessary to meet them, and begin doing
what it takes to meet each other's needs..
5. Keep in mind, when your
husband's needs are being met within your relationship, his attraction for this
other person will decline.
6. The relationship with this
coworker needs to end. Sometimes it's necessary to change jobs, or move to a
7. If you find that you are
unable to make clear forward progress using the ideas listed above, or the
progress you are making suddenly grinds to a halt, enlist the help of a
professional marriage counsellor. There are many excellent counsellors listed in
the Yellow Pages of the telephone book under: Psychologists, Social Workers,
Counsellors, Psychiatrists, Marriage and Family Therapists, etc.
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